Monday, July 28, 2008

The Demons That Haunt Me

The problem with being a chameleon so to speak is it is very easy to forget who you are and what you want in life because you're too busy being everything else to all other people. Eventually, there is a breaking point where who you really are backlashes against everything else a person projects to these numerous different groups. Now obviously I'm talking about myself here. And I'm actually quite happy I'm able to interact with so many different people and groups, but the crazy thing is although I have relationships with all walks of life, and I still maintain this "me against the world" outlook. That shocks people when all they have seen is the "love everyone" side of me, and then I break it down to the "I don't trust anyone but me," feelings I have maintained within for 14+ years. I may be 30, but it wasn't until the middle of high school when I decided to live by this philosophy. The scariest thing about it is it really transforms who I am. There is a running joke amongst my circle of friends that there is this character Angry Black that lives inside of me. He was born in college. I would get mad and punch telephone poles, leaving my knuckles bloodied the next day. The worst was when I constantly walked around with an aluminum baseball bat and one day destroyed a set of patio furniture, albeit cheap, after hearing some disturbing news. My friends had to sit me down for basically an intervention because I was letting my anger get out of control to the point where grown men were scared for me and themselves.

Upon moving back to Boston, Angry Black would show up once in a while, not the violent guy but more so the f' the world guy, I don't need anyone, yada yada yada. He has been silent for some time now, but this weekend he made a surprising return and idk why. Life has been good. It's been a fantastic summer. Hell, there have been very few times in my life that I have been so happy for such an extended amount of time. The problem with Angry Black is that he takes out his beliefs on those that actually look out of his best interests as opposed to those that actually make this monster emerge. I guess there has been some anger in me since the break up with the Lady for awhile and I never really had a chance to let it out. I was bummed, but I never allowed myself to really get sad. I surrounded myself with new women so I would mentally still feel wanted. Don't get me wrong, thus far two really great relationships that have future potential have blossomed, but a different one has become very destructive. But I think because the person that I let in the closest over the course of 5.5 years is gone, and we're slowly drifting further apart, the "me against the world" outlook decided to come back. If the person I thought I was going to rule the world with is no longer there, than it's just me versus everyone else, right?

I need to overcome that, it's not fair to me or to those around me. Everyone needs people, and even if I realize that 98% of the time, that 2% can have tragic results. But maybe I needed this moment; maybe I needed to regress just a little bit to see where I actually am, and who I've really become in the last few years. In the past I never regretted Angry Black's actions because he was a part of me, but I'm too responsible now, I'm too grown. Most importantly I'm too lucky for those whose actions should always be a reminder that it's not me against the world, it's us against the world.

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