Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Results Five Days Earlier...


So after two mornings of having a 20 min drive take 60 mins or longer due to all the snow on the streets and sidewalks, I'm actually into work on time today and my inbox is pretty empty right now. Huzzah! Time for a post. So Sunday morning, I'm sitting on the couch when the Lady comes into the livingroom and says the four words that scare men shitless, "I missed my period." Oh no. But she had recently switched birth control pills and I know that causes abnormalities in a woman's cycle therefore I wasn't as worried. Plus, we have only had sex once in the last month(phenomenal love life huh), and because of the birth control switch over I insisted we use a condom, I had a little more relief. Fast forward to Monday, I'm at the grocery store and figure while I'm there I'll pick up a home pregnancy test. The feeling of buying this was far worse than anytime I've bought condoms. It's like the ultimate feeling of fucking up, and people know it. So I hide the kit under some hamburger buns and ground beef and made a b-line for the self check out line. Well, the first line had two lesbians fighting over being over charged. One just wanted to pay the additional $3.75 while the other said and I quote "This is bullshit!" Wow, strong feelings over $3.75. Sooooo, I move to another self check line and the guy there is all finish, but his receipt isn't printing out. He's all concerned because he used his credit card and his number is on there...doesn't he realize only the last four digits of your number show up on the receipt? Anyway, he walks away, I start scanning my items, leaving clear blue easy for last. I scan it, and it come back half way down the conveyor belt, "Please scan item again, credit $14.99." I do it again, same shit, but this time "Please wait for a store representative to help you with this item." Awesome. So this older lady, I'd say about 60 and the original receiptless guy come back, and all my items were by the bagging area, expect for my babymaker test. I'm feeling real good right about now. She can't get a back up receipt to print, and then realizes the printer is out of paper. Joy! She changes the paper, about 10 receipts come flying out, and the man gets his and leaves. Then the lady tries to help me with my last item, and I nicely excuse her from that duty. Finally, it scans, I pack swiftly, and hustle out of there. Not an enjoyable scene...but it was all worth it because after peeing on the strip, I heard the three words most loved my men "I'm not pregnant!" Blessed days are here!

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