Sunday, December 30, 2007

Just When I Think I'm Out....

I have no idea wtf is going on. This is where being a nice guy seriously f’s me in the ass. Two days ago, I was fine. The whole relationship ending was fine with me. I was logical, balanced and prepared. The Lady was off doing her thing, and I was doing mine here and there. I had several options to start the New Year on the good foot. Then yesterday mid morning, all I hear is crying. Crying in the bathroom, crying in the office, and it wasn’t muffled but loud screams. I try to ignore it but I can’t. So after awhile, I decide to extend a friendly offer to watch a movie. That doesn’t get accepted. The crying begins again. Then the Lady explains she’s upset because after 5 years, I don’t seem like I’m showing any signs of sadness or disappointment. In my mind, after the last time she blind sided me with a break up back in 2005, I decided I would never show my emotional weakness again. We talk some, and she keeps crying. I offer a shoulder to cry on and we lay down on the bed. I just hold her. We say nothing. We get up to eat and she goes back into the office while I watch a movie. At the end of the movie I decide to forgo meeting up with friends to watch the Patriots make history to try to get her in better spirits. I ask her if she wants food before the game starts. She agrees. We leave and return with Chinese food. We eat and watch football, and then open Christmas presents that have sat on the floor since Monday. All of a sudden, she’s happy. She’s stretched out on the couch with her feet on my lap. The game ends and we put in another movie, which I fall asleep to. She recommends going to bed, and instead of sleeping in the office she comes into our bedroom. We pass out, nothing more. This morning, she’s still happy, laughing and smiling. What just happened? Didn’t we agree a couple days ago that this wasn’t working? Wasn’t she looking for apartments? This is the problem with caring about someone so deeply, regardless of if the situation is ideal or not, I do so much to keep her happy that I forget what is going to make me happy. I can't keep sacrificing my happiness 85% of the time to keep her happy temperamentally. I don’t want either of us to move right now, because moving in the winter sucks. But I don’t think she can live with me just as her friend, even though deep down I think she has to know our original concurrence that this relationship has run its course is correct. Selfishly, I’m concerned I’m missing opportunities to build new relationships. I’m concerned about having the same arguments and fights in the next 6 weeks. I’m concerned about holding in all of my thoughts and saying them too harshly when I’m angry. But my concern for her trumps all of that, and until she either moves out or the lease runs out, I’m stuck.

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