Wednesday, December 26, 2007

I Hate Not Being Me...

Christmas is usually a time for cheer and mirth, unfortunately when a person is in the middle of a break up, which regardless of the strange mixed signals I'm getting, I'm def in the middle of. It's tough to just enjoy the season for what it is. Christmas at my family's house was great. Hanging out with my mom and dad, playing with my dog, and probably getting the best non-material gift I've ever got which was seeing how thoughtful my brother actually is when it comes to the fam and hanging out with him one on one and just laughing our asses off was just awesome. It's really good to see him growing up and realizing what he should value in life versus the silliness that most teenagers place at the forefront of their being.

Anyway, yesterday I had to go to the Lady's folks house for dinner. She figured it would be best if I came because she either doesn't want to let her fam know we're having issues or it's a weird trick to try to get us to stay together, which would really be f'ed up since she's the one who is promoting the break up. So the evening was actually wonderful. I love the Lady's family, and for whatever reason they really like me. We ate good food, drank opened gifts, played Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader the game. It was fun. But I felt like I was seeing them for the last time, and without them knowing it, saying goodbye to a great bunch of people. I could never get really comfortable because in the back of my mind I just kept thinking to myself, "This is such a sham." And what was worse was she was being all affectionate. She's never that affectionate at home. I just couldn't do the same back because I hate putting up fronts. I think I also felt I had been putting up a happiness front for the last three months, and I just couldn't lie to these people. They aren't involved in our problems, but maybe it's just better to get through these days to maintain the holiday spirit for everyone else as opposed to having people concerned over a dying relationship.

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