Monday, December 31, 2007

The Year of 2007

So with 2007 coming to a chaotic close and any direction I formerly had thrown out the window, I decided to try and figure out what was the most impactful decision I made over the course of the year. It actually didn’t take too long to figure out, but it was moving in with the Lady. The impact has been both positive and negative. In January of this year I started business school as a full time student while moving to a part time role at my former company. Man was that the sweet life, get up at 8:45, work from home until about 1pm, eat, shower, prepare for class and head out to catch the Red Line for a 4:30pm class. Around April, we started looking for apts. At the same time, I figured if I’m moving closer to the city maybe I should alter my schedule, and become a part time student and go back to work full time. I interviewed at several places, most I didn’t like, and finally landed the role I was most excited about from the start. I was in a new industry, making more money, granted tuition reimbursement, and feeling pretty happy with the decision I had made. So without having the Lady as motivation to move, although I’d still have my old job, I think I would have been miserable staying there any longer. But on the other hand, I would have remained a full time student and I would be getting ready to enter my final semester of grad school. But I think in terms of school and work, I made the right decision. I’m going to save several thousands of dollars in tuition, I’m part of a company that is on the rise as opposed to on the decline, and once I finish my MBA, I’ll have great experience in two unique industries and will be able to pretty much pick my position and command a solid salary for an MBA grad.

On the negative side, I don’t think I’ve been personally happy for more than a week straight since July. There is constant fighting, bickering, and anger. It’s an eternal struggle I thought was finally ending, and then it doesn’t. Since the Lady opened up the waterworks Saturday and I did my best to make her feel better, I’ve been miserable. I was energized when I thought all this turbulence had come to an end. I was ready to begin living again, something I haven’t truly been able to do for months. Now I feel as if I have recoiled back to where I shouldn’t be. Tonight I had three options and just recently a fourth to hang out with people and start the new year off right, now I’m staying in to avoid dealing with a river of tears tomorrow. My need to protect people causes my own self harm. If I believed in resolutions, I would resolve to fix that, but since I don’t, it is what it is…

Sunday, December 30, 2007

Just When I Think I'm Out....


I have no idea wtf is going on. This is where being a nice guy seriously f’s me in the ass. Two days ago, I was fine. The whole relationship ending was fine with me. I was logical, balanced and prepared. The Lady was off doing her thing, and I was doing mine here and there. I had several options to start the New Year on the good foot. Then yesterday mid morning, all I hear is crying. Crying in the bathroom, crying in the office, and it wasn’t muffled but loud screams. I try to ignore it but I can’t. So after awhile, I decide to extend a friendly offer to watch a movie. That doesn’t get accepted. The crying begins again. Then the Lady explains she’s upset because after 5 years, I don’t seem like I’m showing any signs of sadness or disappointment. In my mind, after the last time she blind sided me with a break up back in 2005, I decided I would never show my emotional weakness again. We talk some, and she keeps crying. I offer a shoulder to cry on and we lay down on the bed. I just hold her. We say nothing. We get up to eat and she goes back into the office while I watch a movie. At the end of the movie I decide to forgo meeting up with friends to watch the Patriots make history to try to get her in better spirits. I ask her if she wants food before the game starts. She agrees. We leave and return with Chinese food. We eat and watch football, and then open Christmas presents that have sat on the floor since Monday. All of a sudden, she’s happy. She’s stretched out on the couch with her feet on my lap. The game ends and we put in another movie, which I fall asleep to. She recommends going to bed, and instead of sleeping in the office she comes into our bedroom. We pass out, nothing more. This morning, she’s still happy, laughing and smiling. What just happened? Didn’t we agree a couple days ago that this wasn’t working? Wasn’t she looking for apartments? This is the problem with caring about someone so deeply, regardless of if the situation is ideal or not, I do so much to keep her happy that I forget what is going to make me happy. I can't keep sacrificing my happiness 85% of the time to keep her happy temperamentally. I don’t want either of us to move right now, because moving in the winter sucks. But I don’t think she can live with me just as her friend, even though deep down I think she has to know our original concurrence that this relationship has run its course is correct. Selfishly, I’m concerned I’m missing opportunities to build new relationships. I’m concerned about having the same arguments and fights in the next 6 weeks. I’m concerned about holding in all of my thoughts and saying them too harshly when I’m angry. But my concern for her trumps all of that, and until she either moves out or the lease runs out, I’m stuck.

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Dropped the Ball

I swear being on vacation messes up my schedule big time. I totally forgot about iPod Friday because when I woke up I thought it was Thursday...it's like Wyclef says "To everyone with no job everyday is Friday!"

Anyway, here's a clip of one of my fav songs, well at least instrumentals and hooks...

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

I Hate Not Being Me...

Christmas is usually a time for cheer and mirth, unfortunately when a person is in the middle of a break up, which regardless of the strange mixed signals I'm getting, I'm def in the middle of. It's tough to just enjoy the season for what it is. Christmas at my family's house was great. Hanging out with my mom and dad, playing with my dog, and probably getting the best non-material gift I've ever got which was seeing how thoughtful my brother actually is when it comes to the fam and hanging out with him one on one and just laughing our asses off was just awesome. It's really good to see him growing up and realizing what he should value in life versus the silliness that most teenagers place at the forefront of their being.

Anyway, yesterday I had to go to the Lady's folks house for dinner. She figured it would be best if I came because she either doesn't want to let her fam know we're having issues or it's a weird trick to try to get us to stay together, which would really be f'ed up since she's the one who is promoting the break up. So the evening was actually wonderful. I love the Lady's family, and for whatever reason they really like me. We ate good food, drank opened gifts, played Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader the game. It was fun. But I felt like I was seeing them for the last time, and without them knowing it, saying goodbye to a great bunch of people. I could never get really comfortable because in the back of my mind I just kept thinking to myself, "This is such a sham." And what was worse was she was being all affectionate. She's never that affectionate at home. I just couldn't do the same back because I hate putting up fronts. I think I also felt I had been putting up a happiness front for the last three months, and I just couldn't lie to these people. They aren't involved in our problems, but maybe it's just better to get through these days to maintain the holiday spirit for everyone else as opposed to having people concerned over a dying relationship.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Day and Night

Day and night man, day and night. One minute I think my whole relationship is over, and then last night the Lady says to me, “So what are we gonna do?” I’m sitting here stunned, because I’m thinking to myself “You ended things the other day. I thought what we were going to do was break up?” I was already mentally prepared for it to be over, and now I get this. How do I respond? I basically told her it’s her call. But I’m standing firm, no begging or pleading. I refuse. I have too much pride, and I think I lost my integrity for a long time trying to please her. And the more people I meet, the more I realize, there are enough people out there who like me the way I am, and there has to be a reason for that. She’s been sleeping in the office/guest room the last three nights, and she left the door open for the first time last night. Maybe she was expecting me to come into the room, console her and tell her all the things she wants to her. I didn’t do it though. I went into our bedroom, put on the Office dvds (to drown out the noise from the old people who can’t hear their tv or each other) and turned off the lights. I left the door open as well, so that if she wanted to talk or even lay down she could. But I had no company last night, and she is still curled up in the office as I write this. As much as I say it’s her decision, I think I need to make mine as well. I gotta lighten things up a little, here's a dance montage from Scrubs that always makes me smile...



Saturday, December 22, 2007

Pulled the Plug...

So I’ve written about 4 different posts over the last 2 days pertaining to the same subject. But I didn’t post them because although the point of this blog is simply to be an outlet for what’s going on in my noggin I still need to be respectful of those I’m writing about, even if they have no idea this blog exists. So I finally had an idea on how to write this, and as usual the idea came to be in the bathroom. Seriously, business executives should have bathrooms directly in their offices, hell they should hold conference calls in there, more genius ideas take place in the can than anywhere else.

The point being, I figured that ending relationships is kind of like death. And I know that sounds extreme, but let me break this out. Relationships end in a manner like how death comes, either all of sudden and slow and painfully. They also measure up similarly in time line. Usually when someone gets blindsided in a relationship, it’s pretty early in the courtship. You think the first 6-12 months have been great and boom, you’re getting dumped over email. Many times with unexpected death, it’s a person young in life and they had so much potential as they grew older. When death is expected, it’s almost welcomed. Not because you dislike the person who is sick, but simply because you care about them so much, you don’t want them to suffer anymore. Or perhaps the person is a shell of themselves, no longer able to properly function, and basically incapable of living without life support. But when that person passes, most people have already come to terms with the inevitable and although we still mourn, we have beliefs that the decreased is in a better place. Relationships work the same way, after years and years of growing apart, and not being able to resolve disputes, the two parties come to realize the last few years was basically a slow death, and it’s time to let it go. And yes it hurts, but because the couple has seen the writing on the wall for quite some time, it just doesn’t hurt as much. Perhaps, I’m in denial, but I don’t think so. I just think after working so hard to make things right, well, you can only do so much before you’re on empty. I think the Lady and I have been running on fumes for the last 2 months, and those are all gone now.

So now comes the point of how badly should I hurt? I will always care for her wellbeing, but there is such a relief knowing I don’t have to walk on eggshells anymore. I can do what I want when I want without having to answer to anyone but myself. I don’t have to be concerned with making someone else happy while sacrificing my own happiness. Who I am right now, is who I will be for the next person, and she will love me for who I am now, and not simply what she wants me to be.

So this leads to two conversations I’ve had with people over the last couple of nights. I was out with my coworkers, and I came to hear the story about how one of them met her husband. Basically, without going into long details, she was at a work party, met a guy and just fell for him. The twist is she was engaged at the time and her future husband had a gf too. As a result of reading this, you may say, “What a whore?” or “That guy is such a jerk!” But even though they were in relationships, there had to be something wrong with the situation to begin with, and they found love in each other at the right time. Hence maybe there isn’t a grieving period, maybe you just jump right back in when you feel it. I don’t think I believe in a rebound relationship. I’m pretty sure people have rebound sex, but I don’t think people just jump back into a relationship after a bad one has ended just to get over the ex. If you get into a relationship sooner than later, hopefully it’s because you have seen a lot of what you didn’t have in the new person.

But that gets to convo #2. Last night I was at a bar talking to a girl who was a friend of a friend, and she asked me if I thought people came into your life at a certain time for a certain reason. I said no, and told her why…..but a little later in the night, I found out another girl there, who I had met a few times and had hit it off with every time we met is getting divorced from her husband. So that brings back into question, do people actually come into your life at certain times for certain reasons? So what do I do? And what does this mean? Did we both end things with our significant others at approximately the same time and just run into each other just as coincidence? Is there a period I’m supposed to wait before doing anything and how do I know if she’s looking for something? I mean she’s going through a divorce, which has to be much worse that ending things with a gf. But what if the original girl asked that question because she had an interest in me, and we actually were getting along extremely well. Did we come into contact for a specific reason at this particular time? And let me also mention that they both were pushing for me to join them for NYE. How does a guy like me not seem like a sleaze, but also not want to risk losing an opportunity to get to know someone, even in a casual way where more of a friendship gets developed as opposed to a relationship. And am I stone cold for even thinking like this literally days after the Lady decided to call us quits? Idk, maybe it's the age, maybe it's the holiday season where I just want to keep myself happy, or maybe I've just been so prepared for death that I'm not as phased as I thought I would be? Time will tell my friends, but how much is the mystery.

Friday, December 21, 2007

iPod Friday

Working from home today and Monday. So I've just had music going all morning...here's three songs that came on thus far..





Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Results Five Days Earlier...


So after two mornings of having a 20 min drive take 60 mins or longer due to all the snow on the streets and sidewalks, I'm actually into work on time today and my inbox is pretty empty right now. Huzzah! Time for a post. So Sunday morning, I'm sitting on the couch when the Lady comes into the livingroom and says the four words that scare men shitless, "I missed my period." Oh no. But she had recently switched birth control pills and I know that causes abnormalities in a woman's cycle therefore I wasn't as worried. Plus, we have only had sex once in the last month(phenomenal love life huh), and because of the birth control switch over I insisted we use a condom, I had a little more relief. Fast forward to Monday, I'm at the grocery store and figure while I'm there I'll pick up a home pregnancy test. The feeling of buying this was far worse than anytime I've bought condoms. It's like the ultimate feeling of fucking up, and people know it. So I hide the kit under some hamburger buns and ground beef and made a b-line for the self check out line. Well, the first line had two lesbians fighting over being over charged. One just wanted to pay the additional $3.75 while the other said and I quote "This is bullshit!" Wow, strong feelings over $3.75. Sooooo, I move to another self check line and the guy there is all finish, but his receipt isn't printing out. He's all concerned because he used his credit card and his number is on there...doesn't he realize only the last four digits of your number show up on the receipt? Anyway, he walks away, I start scanning my items, leaving clear blue easy for last. I scan it, and it come back half way down the conveyor belt, "Please scan item again, credit $14.99." I do it again, same shit, but this time "Please wait for a store representative to help you with this item." Awesome. So this older lady, I'd say about 60 and the original receiptless guy come back, and all my items were by the bagging area, expect for my babymaker test. I'm feeling real good right about now. She can't get a back up receipt to print, and then realizes the printer is out of paper. Joy! She changes the paper, about 10 receipts come flying out, and the man gets his and leaves. Then the lady tries to help me with my last item, and I nicely excuse her from that duty. Finally, it scans, I pack swiftly, and hustle out of there. Not an enjoyable scene...but it was all worth it because after peeing on the strip, I heard the three words most loved my men "I'm not pregnant!" Blessed days are here!

Saturday, December 15, 2007

I'm Tired...


Seriously, wtf…it’s like everything I do these days is wrong. How the hell do I end up on the shit list for doing a good deed. On Thursday, we had a pretty big snow storm up here. One of my co-workers normally takes public transportation and happened to have a bunch of stuff to carry this particular day. So me being the nice guy I am offered to drive my coworker home. Now, I figure I’m being a good Samaritan by doing this. Who cares if it delays my ride home by a couple of hours, I was still going to get home eventually. Well anyway, the Lady is all pissed about this, god knows why. So I got the silent treatment when I got home that night. So, the next day, I was told that she was going out for a friend’s birthday that night. So, I parked in the near spot by the apt building, knowing that I would have to leave shortly to go to my final exam. The Lady shows up, and she’s pissed that I parked in the spot when she had things to carry. How was I supposed to know she was coming home? I was told she was going out with people, am I a mind reader? So anyway, I’ve been civil all day today, but she’s been a mute. Well, until 2 mins ago when she said she’s upset because I choose to spent time with another women (my coworker) over her. Honestly, driving for 2 hours in a snow storm is not my idea of spending time with anyone. Plus, I had no idea the Lady wanted to use that afternoon for quality time. She allegedly called my office phone, but didn’t leave a message and didn’t call my cell phone either…all I know is if I call someone’s office phone, and get no answer and I really want to speak with them, I’m calling their cell or calling the office line back within 10 mins. I’m so tired of explaining myself. I’m so tired of every decision I make being questioned. I’m so tired of not being able to go with my first instinct as opposed to thinking about how the Lady will react. I’m just tired…

Friday, December 14, 2007

iPod Friday...Compromised!!!

So because of the royal dump Mother Nature took on New England yesterday, a bunch of places have delays this morning, resulting in the Lady being in the apartment way longer than she normally would be. I actually left before her this morning, so I couldn't perform my usual Friday morning jackassary to the tunes. So instead, this Friday is just based on music I heard on my ride into work. I still danced in the car, no changing that...I'm like Ellen, I dance all the time and love to munch box...music please...







Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Everything I Love: Goya Soda

I don't even drink soda that often but Goya soda is the best fruit flavored carbonated drink on the planet! Fanta is good no doubt, but other than grape and orange I can never find the other flavors. They advertise the pineapple and strawberry, but I never see it. And they allegedly have apple and peach soda too, but I have never seen those either. But Goya on the other hand, maaaaaaan, all I have to do is walk down the international foods isle in the grocery store and there is a bounty. Pineapple, grape, fruit punch, strawberry and the greatest flavor of all time cola champagne! They have a bunch of others like mandarin orange, lemon-lime, sangria, but I stick to the original six listed above. PLUS, they only come in glass bottles and everyone knows soda out of a glass bottle tastes far better than out of a can or plastic bottle. Last night, I was sick of drinking water all day, so I chugged a pineapple with the quickness, such deliciousness. Get yo'self some!

Sunday, December 9, 2007

Dancing in the Bar...

Ah drunk blogging, it's the best...anyway...I'm out tonight, having fun for a friend's bday and all night long I'm just minding my own BI and chillin with my crew. Around 1:40 a chick asks me to dance...so we're dancing, nothing out of line and like 2 mins later her friend grabs her away from me. This is just something I have never understood. The girl made the choice to hang out with me...I never approach women 1) because of the Lady, and 2) because I'm just not that aggressive dude. But anyway, I never understood that whole chick thing when one girl decides "Oh, she can't dance with you." WTF...it's not like anything bad is going on. If the girl is hanging out with a sleazy dude that just wants to bang her fine, protect your friend....but when a guy as hands off as I am is the just trying to entertain, why grab her....I just don't get this....my guess is because in the past all the other guys did just want to bang her....I hate "those guys" that give guys like me a bad rap...

Saturday, December 8, 2007

A New Queen is Crowned

So back in the day, around 2002-2004, to pass the time at work my boy EB and I used to play Marry, Fuck or Kill. I'm sure you have done this, you pick three people and determine who you would marry, just fuck once or kill. The goal was either to pick three absolutely hideous people, or three ridiculously hot people. EB pretty much had the then Mrs. Lachey as his untouchable current marry girl, and no one else was going to be my future wife other than Torrie Wilson of WWE and Playboy fame. So anyway, we played this game for a good 6 months over IM and I think it culminated in 2004 when we established Sports Illustrated model Ashley Richardson circa 1991-1992 was the the pinnacle. This was due to us adding a time period element to the game, for example you could pit Heather Locklear 1982 vs Heather Locklear 2000. Also just as a sidebar, we had come to a mutual conclusion that anyone that had been f'ed by Dennis Rodman, Tommy Lee, Kid Rock, Fred Durst and such were never marriage material.

So where am I going with this, I think I have finally found someone to replace Ashley at the top. I've always known she was hot, but until the Victoria's Secret show the other night it really didn't hit me. Marisa Miller may have claimed the top spot overall for me. She has it all. She got it from the front, the back...she has the feathered hair, the legs(please ignore Seal and watch the video from 1:51-2:01, actually nothing wrong with watching the whole thing). Like all good things, Miss. Richardson's reign had to come to an end, but long live the new queen...

Friday, December 7, 2007

iPod Friday

Posting before I leave for work so I'm motivated to post again during the day...do the damn thing...







Tuesday, December 4, 2007

More 2 Girls 1 Cup Fun...


I refuse to post the link to that movie, but this essay on it is hilarious...thanks EB, I'd credit the author, but I have no idea who it is...

Monday, December 3, 2007

And I Thought it was Cold Outside...

Lots to post about from the weekend, hopefully I have the time. But really quick, I just wanted to write on something I saw today, well two things that are related. We had some snow last night and this morning, nothing too serious just heavy and wet. While driving to work, I spied a man walking around in shorts and sneakers. This man clearly was not homeless or anything like that...maybe he had just come from the gym. But I mean its 33 degrees outside which snow on the ground and "wintry mix" falling from the sky. What gives? Then I'm two minutes from work and I see a fat man with no top on, man boobs everywhere, wearing a pair of red mesh gym shorts and a red knit hat walking around with a shovel. Once again, what gives?!?! I can't make any sense of this.