Thursday, September 20, 2007

Questions

So after spraining my ankle, I became a little depressed...I guess sitting on a coach for two days with not much contact with other people can do that, and that caused me to start playing a game with myself that I often do when something bad or strange happens to me. I start to ask myself what did I do wrong for God to punish me like this? I know this sounds crazy, but I have this strange dichotomy about me. I actually compare it to Kanye West in a way, I mention him because he often talks about struggles like this on records. But anyway, I have this side where I can be reckless, wild, a sorta F you if you don't like me, glamorous lifestyle. One where partying and nice material possessions fill by being, I'm not making it rain by any means, but I'm definitely going all out at those times. Strangely enough, the purpose of all of this is to make everyone else around me "have a good time" so to speak. I floss to make others feel good, strange, but it is what it is. Then I have a side where not only to I question the validity of my choices, but then come to believe there is more meaning to elements of my life than meets the eye. I actually have a friend whom I will call Ezel who went through this in college and still at times goes through it, but has chosen to become fully embraced by Christianity. For him, that was the direction he needed to go. I, regardless of my personal religious affiliation, try to simply live by the rule of being a good person and I'll get to the pearly gates when it's my time. I don't say prayers but I pray. I don't like going to church and rarely do go, but when I do go I feel blessed and whole. I don't define people by their religion, but by their actions. And that's why I start playing this game with myself. By giving me a sprained ankle is God telling me not to drink as much or to stop drinking all together? Is he punishing me for potentially unpure thoughts in my head? Is he trying to warn me of the reckless lifestyle that I lead sometimes? I begin wondering if the fun I have isn't the fun that is in the plan for me. But then again, what if I'm just f'ing with my own head? I mean, although we say God is everywhere and all knowing/all seeing, why on Earth (which is actually kind of funny to say when mentioning God) would he ever focus on an individual like myself to send a message to? Aren't there bigger fish to fry like getting terrorists or criminals to see the error of their ways, or are they simply unreachable? Perhaps the issue here is not changing myself, but simply reminding myself that I believe in something that guides me, and that I just need to pay more attention to what's in front of me and not close my eyes to tough decisions, but know that there is a purpose to my actions regardless of how great or small.

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